Poly-friendly couples counseling in Los Angeles, CA
What is Poly-friendly couples therapy and how can it help your relationships?
What is poly-friendly couples counseling?
“Poly-friendly” is a shorthand term that often refers to practices that are friendly, affirming, and knowledgeable of polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous relationship structures. Poly/ENM-friendly couples counseling or partnership counseling is a specialized form of couples or relationship therapy for partners who are in a polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationship.
Why look for a poly-friendly therapist?
Many therapists are trained and experienced in working with monogamous couples, but may not have specialized training or lived experience with the world of polyamory/ENM. Just as you have likely had to un-learn some mono-normative assumptions and biases in your journey into non-monogamy, if you are coming to therapy for support for your poly/ENM relationship, you probably want a counselor who respects your relationship structure, has also examined their own biases and beliefs, and will not project their own values onto your relationship. Therapists who are trained in and specialize in working with poly/ENM relationships have skills and understanding to support clients and help them navigate the unique challenges and joys of non-monogamy. (They are also more likely to have a large enough couch or enough chairs in their office to accommodate partnerships that consist of more than two people!)
What Poly/ENM-friendly couples counseling can help with:
Opening up your relationship
If you and your partner are discussing opening up your relationship, but bumping up against conflict and getting into arguments, talking through these concerns and areas of conflict with a trained couples therapist can help you to have more constructive conversations. Therapist can help you understand what is triggering the conflict, figure out and verbalize what you need to feel both secure and excited about opening up your relationship, clarify what you want that openness to look like, and discuss how you can plan for needs and boundaries to potentially shift and change as your relationship continues to evolve.
Navigating agreements and boundaries
The joke about poly people having shared google calendars is real - managing multiple relationships can be logistically challenging! Dividing your time and prioritizing all of your partners is a practice, not a perfection - but if you are finding yourself getting into arguments, or partners are experiencing hurt feelings, and you’re starting to question whether you’re cut out for this type of relationship, it might be helpful to have a neutral place to talk it through with your partner(s). A poly-friendly therapist can help you each clarify what your needs are, where partners might be feeling insecure or less special, how to talk about this in more effective ways, and how you can support each other in getting those needs met, while respecting the autonomy of everyone involved.
Safe sex practices
Whether you’re worried about sexually transmitted infections, pregnancy, or how to safely explore your kinks with partners, a sex-positive and poly-friendly therapist can help you to have open discussions, consider all of your options, and make sure you are on the same page about boundaries and expectations regarding safety. This is especially important when first opening up your relationship, starting a relationship with a new partner, or exploring new kinks or sexual activities such as swinging. These conversations can sometimes be hard, but it’s always better to have them beforehand rather than later!
Mono-poly relationships
If one partner is poly and the other is not, discussing how to accommodate this in your relationship, what degree of openness you want to have, and how to manage boundaries can be particularly difficult if you are just struggling to understand each other’s different desires and perspectives. Working with a skilled couples therapist can help you to understand each other and how you view relationships better, so you can come to agreements that work for both of you and still support your commitment to each other.
Jealousy
Maybe you love almost all the parts about being ENM or poly - except for those moments when you find yourself feeling jealous of someone your partner is having sex with or dating. It’s a myth that you are “not good at polyamory” if you ever feel jealousy - jealousy is a normal, human emotion that most of us experience at times! But if it is becoming overwhelming, causing you a large amount of distress, or triggering arguments with your partner(s) or metamour(s), then it’s worth seeking therapy to get to the root of what is really happening. Understanding where your jealousy is coming from, what attachment wounds might be feeling especially raw, can help you learn healthy ways to manage jealousy when it comes up - without having to close your relationship if that’s not the right choice for you!
Infidelity
Yes, infidelity can still happen even in polyamorous relationships. If someone has crossed a boundary or trust has been broken, couples therapy can help you to repair that rupture, understand why it happened, and figure out together what you need to rebuild trust.
Breakups
Even when you have multiple partners, you can still experience heartbreak if a relationship ends. That loss can affect your mental well-being and impact your other relationships - and it can be especially challenging if you don’t have many poly-affirming people in your life to talk about it with, or if people tell you “don’t be upset, at least you still have your other partner!” Working through those difficult emotions in couples therapy with a partner can be very healing, and can help you both learn new ways of supporting each other through this experience of loss.
Sexual identity and kink
Many people find that opening up their relationship also opens up new ways of thinking about and exploring their sexual interests, sexual orientation, and gender identity. Which is sometimes exactly what you were hoping for in this new chapter of your relationship! But if you’re feeling more confused than ecstatic about this, it’s causing some anxiety for your partner(s), or you’re not sure these changes mean for your pre-existing relationship(s), couples/partnership therapy can help you to process and understand it together. Many poly-friendly therapists are also LGBTQIA+affirming and kink-knowledgeable, because we know there is so much overlap between these communities!
What Poly/ENM-friendly couples counseling does NOT do:
Force your partner to agree that you should open your relationship.
If you’ve been fantasizing about opening up your relationship for years, and you’ve tried talking to your partner about it but they are adamantly not interested, you may feel like you’re at an impasse. Couples therapy can help you to talk this through together, but it cannot “make” your partner suddenly become poly or ENM if that is not something they are interested in or comfortable doing. Even poly-friendly therapists do not believe that non-monogamy is the right fit for everyone - our job is to help you and your partner figure out what is right for you, not to convert everyone to being polyamorous!
Tell you how to structure your poly/ENM relationship.
Similarly, a couples therapist can help you discuss and get clarity on what you and your partner(s) want and need in a poly or ENM relationship, but they will not dictate what that relationship should look like. Decisions about what degree of openness to have, what boundaries you need, and how hierarchical or non-hierarchical your relationship will be are all things that can be helpful to talk about in couples therapy. Your therapist will help you learn more effective ways to talk about these decisions and the emotions they can bring up, and will ask questions that help you in the decision-making process, but the decisions are ultimately between you and your partner(s). I often say to my clients “I don’t have a roadmap to give you - there is no roadmap! - but I’ll help you figure out how to create one that works for you.”
Benefits of poly-friendly couples counseling:
Poly-friendly couples therapy can help you and your partner(s) learn more about yourselves and understand your attachment styles and needs better, to strengthen your relationship and form more secure bonds with each other. People often say that polyamorous people are great at communicating - because they have to be! But that comes with learning and practice, and it’s a skill we don’t all grow up learning at home or in school. Working on that communication with your partners in therapy can help not just your romantic and sexual relationships, but also improve your communication and confidence in other relationships and aspects of your life!
Additionally, having a validating place to talk about poly/ENM issues and get support to help your relationship become stronger can help you to feel more confident in your relationship structure and identity. Because there can still be a lot of stigma and misconceptions about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, it can be an isolating and challenging experience at times. Whether you are socially-monogamous but secretly swingers, or out and proud as part of a large polycule, feeling good about your life and confident in your self-expression and identity is an invaluable asset to your life and relationships!
Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in LGBTQIA+ affirmative, poly/ENM-friendly, and kink-knowledgeable therapy for couples/partnerships and individuals.
Interested in therapy? Reach out to schedule a free consultation call!