Managing Holiday Stress
6 Tips from a Los Angeles Therapist to Help You Cope with Holiday Anxiety and Overwhelm
Is it the most wonderful time of the year, or does it stress you out?
The holidays can be a time of mixed feelings for many of us - especially for those struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, or other mental health concerns. And often for LGBTQIA+ folks if they have difficult relationships with family members who are not-affirming of their identities. It can be exhausting knowing that spending time with family means you might have to face being misgendered by relatives, you may not be able to invite all of your poly partners to the family dinner, or you may have to hear people talk about political values that threaten your human rights. Even if your family is supportive and has good intentions, just being around family can be a mixed bag because we often find ourselves reverting back into roles and dynamics from our childhood that no longer serve us, and can be dysregulating to our nervous systems.
Here are 6 tips you can consider to help you manage it all:
1. Go into the holidays well-rested
Between work and social events this season, it’s easy to arrive at your family or chosen family gathering already exhausted from too much to do, especially if you already have a stressful job or are struggling with mental health concerns. If your schedule allows, give yourself a day or evening off before a big social gathering, or invite people over later in the day so you can sleep in and have the morning to yourself. If you’re traveling to visit family, consider shortening your trip to build in a rest day before you go. And continue to be mindful of overexerting yourself during the holidays - remember that it’s also okay to say no to some invitations, even if you would like to attend, if you are already overbooked and it will cause you more stress or exhaustion than joy!
2. Take breaks
Whether you’re staying with family or friends, or hosting others in your home, being around more people than you normally live or socialize with can be overstimulating and exhausting for some! If you notice that you’re reaching your limit, and need a break and you have a private room you can relax in for a bit, take a nap, read a book, text or call your remote support system. This might be especially necessary for anyone who is neurodivergent or struggling with anxiety, particularly when you are traveling or in a new environment. Sometimes this can be easier said than done if privacy is limited, or your family wants to spend all the time together. In that case, a change of environment might be helpful - go outside for some fresh air or a walk (offer to take the family dog out if that’s an option!), offer to go to the store if anyone needs any last-minute items they forgot, or go out to a local cafe for a coffee or tea.
3. Set boundaries
Our people-pleasing tendencies can really flare up around occasions like holidays where there are so many expectations about quality time spent with others. It’s also easy to fall back into patterns of behavior that might be expected or imposed upon you when you’re visiting your family of origin again. So this is your reminder that things can look differently this year if you need them to - and that can change from day to day, depending on how you feel and what you need. Boundaries might include setting a limit on how many social gatherings you capacity to the attend, changing the subject or walking away from an uncomfortable conversation with a relative, or giving yourself an early bedtime before everyone else is ready to go to bed.
4. Do less
Trying to plan the perfect decorations, table settings, and menu for a large gathering? What can you delegate, outsource, or do away with entirely? If you have anxiety and perfectionist tendencies, these can really come out in full force around special occasions or when hosting (or even just showing up to an event someone else is hosting - but where you’re expected, or feel obligated, to bring something to contribute!) It’s work examining where this pressure you are putting on yourself is coming from - and if you actually still need to listen to it. If you have the time and it’s enjoyable to make everything from scratch, go for it - but if you start feeling overwhelmed just planning it all out, let yourself take some shortcuts. Buy the pre-made pie crust - or maybe even the whole pie! Let go of some expectations - maybe you only put up half the decorations, but it will still look festive, and people will be more focused on their conversations anyway!
5. Make time for self-care - whatever that looks like!
What sounds soothing or relaxing to you? Is it curling up by the fireplace with a book? Spending time in your bed masturbating? Playing a video game? Watching your favorite Christmas movie? Going for a hike? Make time for things you enjoy that are relaxing - whether they are activities you want to do solo, or activities you invite a friend, partner, or family member to join you in.
6. Remember that you can choose YOU
If this is not the year you feel up for sitting at a table with racist, sexist, homophobic, or transphobic relatives, then don’t force yourself to go. Taking care of yourself, managing your own stress and anxiety, and setting boundaries that are helpful for you can include deciding not even to see family this year and planning a self-care holiday or a gathering with friends and chosen family instead.
And if you enter the new year feeling more stressed and anxious after getting through the holidays, a great new year’s resolution might be to reach out to a therapist who can help you process everything that came up over the holidays, and learn some strategies to manage that stress and anxiety.
Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in LGBTQIA+ affirmative, poly/ENM-friendly, and kink-knowledgeable therapy for couples and individuals.
Interested in therapy? Reach out to schedule a free consultation call!