What is Kink-Knowledgeable Therapy?

Kink-friendly, kink-positive, kink-aware, kink-affirming, kink-knowledgeable… What do they all mean?

If you’ve been looking for a therapist, you might have seen one or all of these phrases showing up in therapists’ bios in different directories or descriptions on their websites. If you’re someone who is a member of the BDSM/kink community, this probably stood out to you and made you want to keep learning about that particular therapist! If this is all new to you and you are still confused, let me explain.

First, some definitions in case all of these terms are unfamiliar: BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & submission, Sadism & Masochism - activities and types of play like spanking, tying someone up, roleplay, etc. that consenting adults enjoy partaking in, which may or may not be sexual in nature. Kink is an umbrella term that refers to alternative or non-conventional sexual interests, fantasies, or practices. The word’s original meaning refers to a bend or a curve - picture a straight road that suddenly takes a curve - that’s a kink (and a pretty good visual for how BDSM and kinky interests mark a change in direction from what society thinks of as sexual norms)! For some people, kinks are activities they might bring in occasionally to “spice up” their sex lives. But for others, BDSM and kink can be a core part of their identity, sexuality, relationships, community, and even their daily lives. 

So back to those terms - kink-affirming, kink-friendly, kink-aware, and kink-knowledgeable… why so many variations?

Some therapists use these terms to specify their level of knowledge and expertise on these topics (as recommended by The Kink Practice Guidelines Project) - ranging from kink-friendly (meaning open to and accepting of kink) to kink-knowledgeable (having advanced training and experience specializing in working with clients in the kink community). However, this is not standardized practice across all mental health professions, and other practitioners may simply choose to use the terms they think their clients are most familiar with (or most likely to search for on google). If you really want to know how much training or experience a therapist has in working with kinky clients - just ask them! 

Why should I seek out a therapist who has experience and knowledge about BDSM and kink?

Well, if you are someone who engages in or is curious about BDSM and kink, and you’re looking for a therapist - you probably want someone who you will feel comfortable talking to about these things, right? There is still a lot of stigma and silence around even just “vanilla” (non-kinky) sexuality in many societies and cultures. And unfortunately not all therapists are educated or comfortable when it comes to talking about sex, let alone talking about kinky sex. How helpful can therapy really be if you can’t be open about who you truly are? If you’re talking about relationship issues but you’re not sure if your therapist is comfortable hearing about kink, so you don’t mention that you’re in a D/s relationship… that’s a huge piece of missing information that could be really important to your therapist’s understanding of your experience and how they can support you!

What are the benefits of working with a kink-knowledgeable therapist?

Respect - just like a queer person deserves to have their sexual orientation affirmed and validated in therapy, you deserve to work with a therapist who will respect that your kink identity and the role that kink plays in your relationships is a healthy part of your life. 

Safety - Like many fun activities we do in life (surfing, snowboarding, driving a car, etc.), you want to learn how to engage in BDSM and kink safely. A kink-knowledgeable therapist will know the right questions to ask and can guide you to assess potential risks, follow safety protocols developed by the kink community, understand the differences between kink and abuse, communicate boundaries and limits to partners, and find additional resources to help you explore your interests and fantasies safely. 

Trauma - If you have experienced trauma, a kink-knowledgeable therapist can help you process and heal from this in a way that does not pathologize your kinks. Or if you are exploring BDSM as a part of your healing journey, reclaiming your sexuality or taking back your power, a therapist can help you process this experience and deal with any triggers that may come up during that work. 

Support - Because of that stigma I mentioned earlier, people in the BDSM and kink community may face judgment and discrimination from others outside the community. Kink-knowledgeable therapists are attuned to these issues, and can validate your experience, help you navigate these challenges, and strengthen your kink-friendly support system.

Empowerment - You’re coming to therapy hoping to feel better about yourself, right? A kink-knowledgeable therapist can help you work through any shame or guilt you are experiencing around your desires, and learn to recognize how your kinks can play a role in personal growth and empowerment, and have positive benefits for your relationships and mental health.

What questions should I ask a potential therapist?

Finding the right therapist is a bit like a cross between dating and a job interview! It’s okay to talk to a few therapists before choosing one - most therapists offer free consultation calls so that you have a chance to ask questions and see if they seem like a good fit for you before booking a session. If you have a specific interest or fetish that you want to talk about in therapy, you may want to ask a potential therapist if this is something they are familiar with or have had experience working with. You can also ask what kind of training they have had specific to BDSM and kink, and how much experience they have working with kinky clients. 

Sometimes people want to find a therapist who shares their own identity or lived experience (such as wanting a therapist of the same race or gender as yourself). I personally believe that, if a therapist is advertising that they are kink-friendly or kink-knowledgeable, it is okay to ask them if they have lived experience in the world of kink/BDSM. Just be aware that this is where therapists may exhibit some healthy professional boundaries - some may decline to answer, while others may tell you that yes, they have lived experience, but they do not go into detail about that experience with their clients (this is a good thing! You want a therapist who has healthy professional boundaries, because that means they take the ethics of their profession seriously).

How do I find a kink-knowledgeable therapist? 

Fortunately, there is a kink-specific directory created just for this purpose: Kink Aware Professionals https://www.kapprofessionals.org/. 

You can look for an AASECT-certified sex therapist who has received extensive training in human sexuality and sexual health: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory

And many of the big therapy directories (Psychology Today, Good Therapy, Inclusive Therapists, etc.) now give you the option to filter your search for a therapist by specialities and expertise, including kink. 

But the best resource could be your fellow kinksters! Just like you might seek out play partners who can be vouched for by others in the community, ask around and see who can recommend a kink-knowledgeable therapist that they have worked with before.

Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in LGBTQIA+ affirming, poly/ENM-friendly, and kink-knowledgeable therapy.

Interested in therapy? Reach out to schedule a free consultation call!