What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?
Exploring the Vast Spectrum of Different Relationship Structures and Styles Under the Umbrella of Ethical Non-Monogamy
What is Non-Monogamy?
You probably know what monogamy means: having only one partner at a time - usually a partner to whom you have made an exclusive commitment to, whether you are dating, in a serious longterm relationship, or married. Monogamy means not dating, having sex with, or falling in love with anyone else outside of that one partner.
Non-monogamy means having more than one partner, or being open to dating or having sex with other partners. Non-monogamous relationships may still involve commitments, such as cohabitation or marriage, but partners are not bound by an agreement to be sexually exclusive. Non-monogamy can take many different forms, and relationships with other partners can be sexual, romantic, or both!
Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM for short) is a term that is often used synonymously with Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM). Both terms mean engaging in non-monogamous relationships that are agreed and consented to by all partners involved. Ethically non-monogamous relationships are respectful and considerate of all partners involved, and partners are honest and openly discuss relationship expectations and guidelines with each other. That honesty, open communication and consent are what make these relationships “ethical”.
How is Ethical Non-Monogamy different from cheating?
Cheating is the polar opposite of Ethical Non-Monogamy. Cheating, or having an affair, involves one partner betraying a commitment to another, being dishonest or lying by omission, and engaging in a relationship with another partner that they know the first partner would not consent to. Lying, betrayal, and breaking agreements are concepts that most people would consider unethical - which is why the terms Ethical Non-Monogamy and Consensual Non-Monogamy came about; to distinguish themselves from people who are engaging in non-monogamy in unethical ways without their partners’ consent.
Ethical Non-Monogamy is a broad umbrella term that includes many different relationship styles and structure:
Monogam-ish Relationships - Couples who are mostly monogamous, but occasionally step outside of the strict bounds of monogamy to have sex with others, such as by bringing in a third partner for a threesome.
Swinging - A couple who have sex with other couples or “swap” partners. Swingers typically only engage in non-monogamous sex together, as a couple, and do not usually date or have sex with others separately.
Open Relationships - Both partners agree that they can have sex with others outside of the relationship, usually separately, but connections with outside partners may be limited to “only sex,”” and dating or developing a more serious relationship is not something they are seeking. Often, partners may agree to a rule such as “you can’t fall in love with someone else” (of course, anyone who has ever watched a romantic comedy knows we can’t always control who we fall in love with!).
Polyamory - Dating, being in relationships with, and loving multiple people at once. Polyamorous relationships can be both sexual and romantic. Polyamory rejects the oft-repeated romantic notion of “the one, “and believes instead that we are fully capable of loving multiple people at once, and that love is not a scarce commodity that we can only share with one person.
Solo Poly - A person who is polyamorous but not in a primary or nesting relationship. Someone practicing solo-poly may have multiple partners, but they are approaching polyamory from an autonomous perspective rather than starting with a relationship as a base. They enjoy being in relationships with others, but may not be seeking a partner who will become a central part of their life like a nesting partner (meaning a partner one lives with) or spouse would.
Mono/Poly - A relationship in which one partner identifies as monogamous but the other partner identifies as polyamorous, and both partners agree and consent to the poly partner dating and having sex with other partners, even while the monogamous partner has no wish to date or have sex with anyone else.
Hierarchal Relationships - Polyamorous relationships in which one couple are defined as “primary partners”. This primary partnership is at the top of a “hierarchy” of relationships, and other partners (sometimes termed “secondary partners”) may not be given the same priority, rights, or privileges in the relationship. The primary partners have often agreed upon a set of rules or guidelines for their relationship before bringing in other partners, and secondary partners who consent to dating one or both of the primary partners are expected to follow their guidelines.
Non-Hierarchal Relationships or Egalitarian Polyamory - The opposite of hierarchal relationships, non-hierarchal relationships are polyamorous relationships in which all partners have equal status, regardless of whether they live together, how long they have been together, etc. Non-hierarchal relationships do not view partners as primary or secondary, and all partners ideally enjoy equal rights, priority, privilege, and a say in the structure and guidelines of their relationships.
Relationship Anarchy - Expanding further upon the idea of non-hierarchal relationships, relationship anarchy focuses on equality beyond egalitarian rules and relationship structure. Communication and consent are still key in relationship anarchy - it’s not “anything goes”. But that communication is centered around dismantling relationship norms and expectations, rather than creating rules and structure that reinforce those concepts. For many relationship anarchists, lines do not exist between friendship and romantic relationships, and all types of relationships in one’s life are equally prioritized and valued.
These are just some of the broader, more commonly talked about types of non-monogamy. Our language and the words we use to describe non-monogamous relationships is ever-changing - if you would like to share a new definition or term with me that would better help to describe these relationships, please let me know!
Which type of non-monogamous relationship is best for me?
That depends on you and your relationship(s)! Many people want to know how to “do ENM right” or “do poly the right way”, but the only people who can determine what the “right” way is for you are yourself and your partners. It is helpful to read, think, and talk about different relationship styles and guidelines (or lack thereof) that resonate with you, but what you settle on for yourselves is going to be your own unique version of non-monogamy. And it may change over time! Some couples who start out as swingers become polyamorous. Some people who have been poly for years may choose to “close” their relationship and become monogamous for a time. Others who were originally in hierarchal poly relationships later become relationship anarchists! The communication you have with your partners doesn’t end when you decide “okay, we’re going to open our relationship and this is what it will look like…” That’s just the start of an ongoing conversation that you will keep returning to as your relationship continues and evolves.
What are the benefits of Ethical Non-Monogamy?
While it may not be for every person or relationship, people who practice ENM enjoy many benefits - some expected, and some unexpected! Many previously-monogamous couples opened up their relationship hoping to “spice up” their relationship and sex life. And bringing additional partners into your bed, or dating multiple partners, certainly adds novelty and excitement! Many couples do find that when they start having sex with other people, either together or separately, they are even more excited to have sex with each other. For poly folks who know they have a lot of love to give, the benefit of non-monogamy is that they do not have to limit themselves to loving only one person, and can instead have multiple fulfilling relationships that enrich their lives. Many people also find themselves surprised by the unexpected benefits of ENM that they would not have even imagined before actually becoming ENM or poly themselves. These might include experiencing compersion (the feeling of joy you can experience when your partner is enjoying sex or love with another person), discovering and getting to explore new things about your own sexuality or sexual interests, becoming friends with your partner’s partner (known as your metamour), liberation from societal norms and expectations, and becoming part of a greater ENM/poly community of people who support you and your relationships.
Are there potential risks to Ethical Non-Monogamous relationships?
Like almost anything in life, yes, there will always be some degree of risk - we don’t escape that in monogamous relationships either. Risks that many people are concerned about when they first think about non-monogamy are concerns around sexually transmitted infections, jealousy, and the fear of a partner leaving for someone else. But notice how none of these concerns are things you are 100% protected against even in monogamous relationships!Managing any risk, and feeling comfortable accepting some degree of risk, comes down to the importance of open and honest communication. There is research showing that people practicing ENM are at no greater risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections than monogamous folks (source: The Journal of Sexual medicine https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1743609515344222). This is not so surprising, considering that people practicing ENM often take safety and communication very seriously, and are quite practiced at having conversations about sexual health and safety!
Can cheating still happen in non-monogamous relationships?
Yes, cheating can still occur even in non-monogamous relationships! Having additional partners is not in and of itself cheating, if this is something you have agreed upon in your relationship. But successful and healthy ENM relationships are based on honesty, communication, and trust; and that trust can still be broken if a partner breaks a rule or guideline that has been agreed upon in a relationship. In many monogamous relationships, it may seem obvious to both partners what constitutes cheating - but in non-monogamous relationships, having a conversation to clarify for all partners what would or would not be considered cheating allows you to make your own rules and make sure you are all on the same page about them.
Can Ethically Non-Monogamous relationships really work?
Yes! I know many couples in successful, happy, and healthy longterm ethically non-monogamous relationships of all varieties. While you may have heard a friend complain about a polyamorous relationship that went badly, or seen an openly non-monogamous celebrity couple’s relationship end in a tabloid-worthy divorce, there are plenty more ENM and poly relationships that are doing just fine, and quietly going about their lives without making the news or stirring up gossip. Without realizing it, you may even already know some people who are happily practicing ethical non-monogamy! Some “Socially monogamous” individuals or couples appear, or choose to pass, as monogamous to others who do not know that they are really practicing ENM or polyamory, because we are used to assuming that everyone is monogamous by default. Unless you ask them directly, or they choose to disclose to you that they are not monogamous, you would never know! But there are also a lot more ENM and poly folks now who are proudly, openly talking about their relationships on social media, writing memoirs about their experiences, and doing their part to normalize these relationships. And I suspect we will only continue to see more of that as the stigma around non-monogamy decreases and acceptance and understanding increase.
Are you curious about Ethical Non-Monogamy or Polyamory?
Many people started where you are! Give yourself time to keep learning and stay curious, don’t pressure yourself or a partner to take any big steps before you both feel ready. Here are a the titles of a few books you can read to learn more:
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet W. Hardy & Dossie Easton
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
If you need support talking through all of this and figuring out what you want in your relationship, are anxious about next steps such as talking to your partner, or are in a relationship newly exploring ENM - seeing a therapist who specializes in ENM and poly relationships can be a great help!
Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in LGBTQIA+ affirming, poly/ENM-friendly, and kink-knowledgeable therapy.
Interested in therapy? Reach out to schedule a free consultation call!