Is BDSM healthy? Is there something wrong with me if I’m kinky?

7 Myths and Misconceptions about BDSM & Kink - From a Los Angeles Kink-Knowledgeable Therapist

If you’re new to or curious about the world of kink (an umbrella term that refers to alternative or non-conventional sexual interests, fetishes, fantasies, or practices) and BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Domination/submission, Sadism & Masochism), you may have heard some confusing or misleading messages about these practices and the people who enjoy them.

As both a human living in society and the larger world, and a sex therapist specializing in kink-knowledgeable therapy, I have encountered a number of these misconceptions myself. And I certainly have met a lot of clients who come to therapy because they have also heard some negative negative messages about BDSM and kink, and are worried about what this might mean about their own morals, self-worth, or relationships. So let’s debunk a few of the more common myths and misconceptions:

Myth #1: “If you are into kink/BDSM, it’s unhealthy and there is something wrong with you” 

False! While as an “alternative” practice, kink and BDSM do deviate from what society considers “normal” activities (although I would argue that there is no such thing as “normal”). And we know that human history tends to pathologize anything that deviates from the norm and label things that are “different” as “bad” or “unhealthy”. But there is actually a lot of research now that shows that people into kink and BDSM have no higher rates of mental health issues than the general population - and in some aspects, they may actually have a better quality of life and relationships (Wismeijer & van Assen, 2013). 

People who engage in consensual BDSM activities often make significant efforts to be informed and aware of the safety needs and risks involved in these activities, and take steps to carefully plan scenes and communicate with partners in order to manage these risks. Many healthy practices such as consent, negotiation, safety planning, and aftercare are built into the rituals of BDSM, and such activities are often approached with more care and consideration than vanilla sex. 

Some people worry that they will never find love because of their kinky interests - and I want to assure them that this does not have to be true! If you feel shame about your kinks and try to hide them from partners, you are more likely to feel unsatisfied and not as deeply connected. But if you can embrace your kinks with pride, and be open about them with potential partners, or go out specifically looking for partners who share your kinks… well, let me just say that there are a lot of couples who met and are still happily together because of their kinks, not in spite of them.

Myth #2: “Kink/BDSM always involves sex”

It is easy to understand why people make the assumption that kink and BDSM always involve sex - after all, most of the examples we see in film, tv, fiction, and other media only portray these practices as part of sexual intercourse.  Yet the reality is a lot more nuanced. Many people do enjoy combining kink and BDSM into their sexual activities, or get into kink by adding elements of it to their sexual repertoire. But for many other people, the enjoyment of kink and BDSM can be a mental and sensory experience that does not involve or require sexual activity at all. Not everyone you see getting tied up in a dungeon is eagerly waiting to go have an orgasm afterwards - for some, the experience of engaging in BDSM alone is a powerful and satisfying experience (some might say even more powerful than sex).

We often think of the roles of “Dominant” and “submissive” or “top” and “bottom” as pertaining to sexual activity - but in the kink world, these roles may or may not be sexual in nature, and nudity and genitals might not be a part of kink play at all. A kinky person might enjoy being tied up or flogged by a friend or a non-sexual partner - or rigging the ropes or wielding the flogger on a friend or non-sexual partner. The kink/BDSM community overlaps with the LGBTQIA+ community - and that includes people who identify as Asexual, yet still love a good fetish party!

Myth #3: “Kink/BDSM is all about pain”

While the slap of a paddle or the swish of a whip may be the first sound that comes to mind when you picture a kink scene, kink and BDSM are about much more than pain - and even for those who enjoy pain, there is a wide spectrum of intensity. Sensory play and teasing with a light touch, a feather, or a gentle hand can be an exquisite form of pleasurable torture. And for some people, pain is not even part of their experience. A large component of D/s relationships is a focus on discipline and obedience - which can be a lot more mental than physical. Even punishments do not have to be painful. A Domme might order her submissives to clean the kitchen, or write “I will be obedient” 1000 times, rather than giving them a spanking. 

Myth #4: “Dom/sub relationships are abusive"

Power exchange or D/s relationships and kink that involves pain play might look abusive to an outsider who is not familiar with kink/BDSM. But behind the scenes, these relationships likely involve greater communication and more clearly and enthusiastically-expressed consent than most vanilla relationships! Additionally, kink scenes usually involve a safe word or some other way of a partner indicating that they need to pause - which will be respected by their partner.

But because of misconceptions like this, kinky folks might hesitate to talk about their desires or relationship issues out of fear that they will be judged or labeled abused/abusive by others. This is why it is important to seek out a sex positive, kink-friendly therapist or sex therapist if you are looking for professional help with mental health concerns or relationship issues. Therapists who specialize in working with the kink community will understand the difference between BDSM and abuse, and will be able to help you navigate the unique challenges that can come up in kinky relationships, so you can talk openly about these issues!

That said, abuse can still happen in the kink community, just like it can in the vanilla world. Being involved in the kink community can provide some safeguards, as you may be able to connect with partners who are respected and vouched for by others in the community, but the unfortunate reality of our world is that some people who have ill-intent may use the cloak of kink to mask their desire to manipulate or control a partner in non-consensual ways. Especially if you are a submissive looking for a Dominant partner - use your wits, and be wary of anyone who tells you that you have to immediately agree to their demands or contract without negotiation, or tells you can’t have limits if you want to “be a real submissive”. 

If you are in a kinky relationship and are questioning whether any aspect of it is abusive, pay attention to your gut feeling - and talk to some other people in the kink community, or a kink-knowledgeable therapist to help you get clarity and/or help you figure out a way to stay safe. 

Myth #5: “People are only into this stuff because they were abused as kids”

Just like in the general population, some people in the kink community have experienced trauma, and some have not. We often want to understand where desires and interests come from, and it can be tempting to draw correlations between things such as being spanked as a child and wanting to be spanked in a BDSM scene as an adult. Yet there are plenty of people in the kink community who knew they were interested in particular kinks before they ever experienced trauma, or who never experienced any trauma. And the current research shows no greater prevalence of childhood trauma amongst kink practitioners than the general population (Brown et al., 2019).

And for those kinksters who do have past experiences of trauma, kink can actually be an empowering way to heal and reclaim a sense of empowerment. BDSM promotes self-empowerment, even for those on the submissive side of the spectrum, by creating an environment where consent, choice, boundaries, and communication are taught, emphasized, and valued. Indeed, many people find their healing from trauma is enhanced by their exploration of BDSM while concurrently working with a kink-knowledgeable therapist who can support them in processing and integrating their new experiences along with the therapeutic work happening in therapy sessions.

Myth #6: “You can’t be a submissive and still be feminist”

You know what’s actually anti-feminist? Shaming people for exploring and embracing their sexuality! Feminism is about equality and everyone having the freedom of choice - and the power that comes with that. And that power can also be the choice to give some of that power over to a dominant partner, in choosing to submit to them. 

If women are forced to submit to men and have no choice or ability to consent, that is a problem. But if you are a woman who knows she wants to be tied up and spanked, that doesn’t make you any less of a feminist. Actually, knowing this about yourself, confidently communicating it to partners, and letting yourself enjoy it is very feminist of you. Own your kinks, and thank feminism for your ability to do so!

Myth #7: “Kink is for goths”

While the fashion styles you may see in the movies and even at your local BDSM dungeon do include a lot of all-black clothing, and there is certainly a significant overlap between the goth and kink subcultures, kinky people come from a variety of communities and walks of life! Keep in mind that while a percentage of kinky people enjoy the public display and community aspect of kink, many others choose to only enjoy their kinks in the privacy of their own homes or a private dungeon session. You probably run into kinky people multiple times a day - but don’t realize it, because out in public they look like everyone else! 

So know that you are welcome to use the next BDSM party as an excuse to wear your best goth attire if you enjoy the fashion - but you can enjoy your kinks and explore them further without being required to swap out your wardrobe for an all-black one unless you truly want to! 

Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in LGBTQIA+ affirmative, poly/ENM-friendly, and kink-knowledgeable therapy for couples/partnerships and individuals.

Interested in therapy? Reach out to schedule a free consultation call!

References: 

Brown, A., Barker, E. D., & Rahman, Q. (2019). A Systematic Scoping Review of the Prevalence, Etiological, Psychological, and Interpersonal Factors Associated with BDSM. The Journal of Sex Research, 57(6), 781–811.

Wismeijer, A.J., & van Assen, A.M. (2013). Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(8), 1943-1952.