What does it mean for my current relationship if I realize I’m bisexual?
Coming out as bisexual when you’re already in a relationship
So you’ve realized you’re bisexual? Congratulations!
You are one of many people who may not have fully realized or understood that they were attracted to multiple genders until later in life. You may have had years of experience only dating one gender, and you may even be in a longterm relationship by the time the pieces click into place in your mind or all the clues gradually build up to this ah-ha moment. And as much as understanding such a big part of your identity can be both exciting and a relief, it can also be confusing - If you thought you were straight all your life, but are now realizing you’re not, you may now potentially have to face both externalized and internalized homophobia. On the opposite side of the spectrum, if you previously identified as gay or lesbian but now realize your sexual attraction may be more expansive and not limited to just one gender, you might feel like you are losing a sense of belonging in the gay or lesbian community, or find yourself facing biphobia from within the queer community itself.
If you currently have a partner, developing a new understanding of your own sexual orientation can also bring up questions about what it means for your current relationship: Should I come out to my partner? How will they react? Do I need to open up the relationship and have some new sexual experiences to “be sure” about this? Am I really bisexual if I still just want to be with my current partner and don’t want to open up our relationship? Am I “queer enough” to actually label myself as queer now? What does this all mean for me and my future?
Coming out:
Coming out should always be a personal choice. You are the person who can best decide if you are ready and if it is safe to come out. And coming out is not an one-time process - you will have many experiences of “coming out” to different people and in different contexts for the rest of your life.
Coming out to a partner might feel scary if you are not sure how they will react or what fears this may bring up for them. Especially if you have been in a straight-assumed relationship, and you are not sure how your partner feels about queer people, it might be helpful to first make sure they can be an ally. How have you heard them talk about LGBTQIA+ issues? What are they saying about current political issues impacting the queer community? What do they say if you mention that you heard that a certain celebrity just came out as bisexual? And if your partner is queer, how do they talk about bisexual people - are they supportive, or biphobic?
If you suspect your partner will be supportive, they could still have some of the same questions as you about how this could impact your relationship: Do you want to reassure them that this doesn’t change anything about your relationship, you just want them to know you more fully? Are you still figuring out what this means but you want to include them in that process, even not knowing where it might lead you both? Are you hoping to open up the relationship so you can have new sexual experiences with different genders? Anticipating some of these questions and being prepared to answer them will help you have this conversation with them.
And your partner may not be the only person you want to come out to - decisions about who else to come out to and when to come out to them will be ongoing choices that you get to make, crossing each bridge as you come to it. For example, if you are with a group of your friends and someone says something about all of you being of one sexual orientation, and it feels safe and would be empowering to interject “actually I’m bisexual”, you can share or remind your friends of your bisexual identity. This might invite questions if your friends assumed otherwise based on your relationship and dating history, so you may want to be prepared to do a bit of educating about what it means to be bisexual.
Finding solo ways to embrace and explore your bisexuality:
Just sitting with the idea of this new understanding of yourself and your sexual identity is an important part of embracing it. You’ve lived many years identifying with one sexual orientation, so give yourself time to adjust and get comfortable with this new one. Learn about queer history and queer culture, see what resonates with you (and what doesn’t! It’s not all one-size-fits all). Start watching media with queer and bisexual characters, follow queer and bisexual content creators, and read about other bisexual folks’ experiences.
Some people find it helpful to look back at their past experiences and friendships with this new perspective and notice where their bisexuality may have been present but not given a voice at the time. Do you realize now that the cartoon character you wanted to dress as for Halloween was actually your first bisexual crush? Were some of your teenage friendships with people you were actually attracted to? Were there messages you received from family, educators, media, or society that stopped you from further exploring or accepting your sexual orientation when you were younger? If that’s the case, you may even want to give yourself space to grieve that.
You might notice trends in queer or bisexual fashion that resonate with you - and you can experiment and try out different clothes, hair styles, and other fashion statements that make you feel good about expressing your sexual orientation in overt or subtle ways. But don’t feel pressured to conform to any one way of “looking” bisexual. You don’t have to dress any differently unless you want to - you will still be just as bisexual! Although the internet is full of memes and jokes about things that bisexual people have in common such as hairstyles, mannerisms, even ways of sitting - these are just generalities, and certainly do not apply to everyone or represent all bisexual people.
Finding ways to embrace and explore your bisexuality with your partner:
If you have come out to your partner, and they are accepting and supportive, it might feel good to include them in your understanding and exploration of your bisexual identity. They might be able to be your biggest cheerleader in this! Some ways to include them in this might be talking with them about celebrities or fictional characters you find yourself crushing on, deciding together to hang a pride flag outside your house, or bringing them with you to Pride events as your #1 ally.
If you and your partner enjoy watching porn together or talking about fantasies during sex, you could try watching some new types of porn together, or talking about fantasies you have about sex with people of other genders. Remember, talking about fantasies does not obligate you to act on them! You might find that you eventually do want to bring one of those fantasies to life, or you might be totally content letting it exist purely as a fantasy to talk about during sex.
Let your partner know what feels good/supportive - if it brings you joy to hear them refer to you as bisexual in conversation, or it warmed your heart when they bought you a bi pride pin, tell them that!
Connect with your bisexual community
Join a support group, therapy group, or online forum for bisexual people or people who are coming out later in life (yes, such specific groups exist - proof that you’re not alone in this!). If you previously identified as straight, you might be feeling some queer imposter syndrome (that sense of “am I queer enough?”). Connecting with other people who feel the same way, and validating each others’ experiences can be powerful! And take some time to explore - check out your local queer coffee shops, bookstores, LGBTQ+ centers, and attend Pride celebrations, queer art shows, concerts, and other events.
If you are in a relationship that appears or “passes” as straight to outsiders, you may hold a certain amount of privilege. Use that privilege to support the LGBTQIA+ community. Even if you aren’t out to everyone about your sexual orientation, you can still support the larger LGBTQIA+ community through spreading awareness, normalizing LGBTQIA+ identities, calling out homophobia and prejudice, voting for LGBTQIA+ rights, and supporting queer and trans-owned businesses.
If you are a bisexual person who previously identified as gay or lesbian, seek out bi-affirming communities and advocacy groups within your queer community where you will feel supported and can connect with others who may have similar experiences. With your new perspective on queerness, you can speak out against biphobia when you encounter it, and work to make sure that queer spaces and events are more inclusive for bisexual people. Normalizing and promoting acceptance of bisexuality within the larger queer community makes the world a better place for all LGBTQIA+ people!
Opening up your relationship
First of all, this is NOT a requirement for partnered bisexuals! You are still just as valid a bisexual person if your current relationship is monogamous and remains monogamous. Full stop. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! You also do not have to have sexual experiences with people of other genders to “be sure” or “prove” that you are bisexual - after all, no one questions straight people who are sure that they are straight before they’ve ever had their first sexual experience, right?
However, some people may find that a new understanding of their sexual orientation is bringing with it awareness of new sexual wants and needs. Making room for exploration of that can take many different forms, and can look very differently for every couple. Maybe right now you and your partner just agree that you may want to check in and revisit your monogamous commitment in the future to see if it still works for both of you. Sometimes just knowing that your relationship structure is not set in stone, knowing that you and your partner agree to keep communicating and talk about this together as needed, can bring a huge sense of relief and freedom - even if that structure never ends up changing.
Even opening up your relationship can take many different forms - you don’t have to jump straight to having a kitchen table poly relationship! Exploring sexual and/or romantic attraction with other partners can be something you decide to do on your own or together with your current partner. Maybe you attend a play party or swingers event together. Maybe you plan to go to a gay or lesbian bar on your own after a discussion with your partner about what you are both comfortable with, including boundaries and safe sex. Maybe you get on the dating apps - maybe your partner does too! Whatever form or degree of openness you and your partner decide to explore, the key is lots of communication and honesty.
And that includes communication and honesty with potential new partners - if you are interested in someone else, be upfront with them about what you are (or aren’t) looking for. Don’t mislead anyone or pretend that you are looking for more than you are able/willing to offer. Yes, some people will not want to sleep with you if you just want a one-time sexual experience, but others could be open to that if you are honest about it! Some people will not want to date you if you have another partner, but others might be already polyamorous or also curious about exploring non-monogamy. Stick to the golden rule - treat others how you would like to be treated. You will hear some “no”s, but when you do get a “yes” it will feel so much better to know that you came by it ethically and honestly!
Keep in mind that you do not have to “perform” your bisexuality for your partner. If your partner is supportive of your sexuality, and encouraging you to explore it, that’s great! But if it seems like they are objectifying or fetishizing it (such as saying “awesome, I’ve always wanted to have a threesome! I can’t wait to watch you kiss another girl!”) Know that your exploration of your sexual orientation does not have to be for their pleasure or match the fantasy that they might have in their mind (not everything is for the male gaze, and not all bisexual women want to have threesomes!).
Talking about your identity in therapy
Therapy can be a great support in exploring and understanding this new piece of your identity. And just coming out to your therapist can feel empowering too! Individual therapy can offer you a private place to talk some of this through before bringing it up to your partner, and couples counseling might be helpful if you find that you are now navigating some new challenges in your relationship. Especially if you and your partner are now considering opening up your relationship, taking time to talk through what that will look like with a supportive and poly/ENM-friendly therapist now can save you a lot of stress later!
Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in LGBTQIA+ affirmative, poly/ENM-friendly, and kink-knowledgeable therapy for couples and individuals.
Interested in therapy? Reach out to schedule a free consultation call!