Therapy for Swingers in Los Angeles, California
Therapy and Couples Counseling for People in the Lifestyle or Exploring Open Relationships and Ethical Non-Monogamy
Have you and your partner fantasized about opening up your relationship? Are you intrigued and excited about the idea of having sex with other people, swapping partners, or going to a play party? Many couples explore swinging, or “the lifestyle” as it is often called, to have adventures, explore fantasies, and experience sex with other people together. Couples often find that these shared sexual experiences renew a sense of novelty and adventure in their relationship, and even bring them closer together. Unlike polyamory, swinging is focused on sexual activity rather than dating or relationships, and couples in the lifestyle are usually looking for sexual experiences they can participate in together (or at least in the same bed or the same room) rather than going off on their own - although some people who start out as swingers eventually become polyamorous as they continue their journey in the world of ethical non-monogamy!
Although swinging has been around for decades, and ethical non-monogamy is certainly having a moment in the news and popular media recently, people in the lifestyle can still face stigma and judgment from others. Think of how many times a couple revealed to be swingers have been the punchline or a joke in comedy - implying that this is a negative or scandalous thing! And while it might be easy to talk to your best friend about your relationship problems if you’re monogamous, if you’re in the lifestyle but not out about that to everyone in your life (what is often called being “socially monogamous”), it can be isolating when you’re going through a rough time.
Finding a sex-positive, poly/ENM-friendly therapist who has experience working with all types of non-monogamy, including swingers, can give you a safe, supportive place to talk about both the joys and challenges of the lifestyle. Therapists who specialize in this work understand that non-monogamy can be a healthy form of sexual expression, and can even strengthen your relationships. When you seek out a therapist who has specific training and extensive experience working with swingers and ethically non-monogamous couples and partnerships, you can be reassured that your therapist will not judge you for being in the lifestyle, and will not blame your relationship issues on your choice to be non-monogamous.
How therapy can help
Opening Up:
If you and your partner are just thinking about opening your relationship or exploring the lifestyle, talking about it in therapy before taking that leap can set you up for a much better experience! This might mean working individually with your own therapist to process your hopes and worries about what entering the lifestyle could look like, and how to talk about these with your partner, or going to couples counseling with your partner to discuss it together. What do you hope to get out of this experience? What is your partner looking for? Do you just want to have sex with other people, or are you looking for more serious relationships? Is one of you more hesitant about this than the other, or feeling pressured at all? Sometimes these conversations and decisions can bring up a lot of emotions, so having a professional to help you work through it all can help you feel more prepared and confident in taking the next step.
Negotiating Boundaries
Once you and your partner have decided that you’re both excited about exploring the lifestyle together, there is still more to discuss! Talking openly and honestly about boundaries, consent, and safe sex practices, especially at the very beginning of this adventure, is incredibly important. What are your expectations and limits? How do you decide if you want to accept another couple’s invitation to swap with them? What happens if one of you is suddenly not feeling it or wants to pause when you’ve already started playing with another couple? Don’t wait to have this conversation until you’re about to jump into bed with another couple! Talk it out now, and clarify what you both agree on for now - knowing that this is going to be an on-going conversation, and your boundaries and comfort levels can and will change as you continue to explore the lifestyle together. If you’re not sure what you need to discuss, a therapist who specializes in this work can help by asking questions and giving you prompts to consider and discuss, so by the time you’re getting dressed up for your first swingers event you’ll be confident that you and your partner are both on the same page and are ready to go have fun!
Coping with Jealousy
Jealousy will come up at some point (likely many times!) for people in all relationships - monogamous or not. So expect that you (or your partner!) may experience jealousy at some point during your adventures in the lifestyle - and know that this does not mean you’re not cut out for non-monogamy, or that you’re “doing it wrong”. Jealousy, like all emotions, is something that you can learn to understand and cope with. Finding a therapist who understands ethically non-monogamous relationships is especially important here, because having someone you can talk to about that jealousy when it comes up is what will help you to get to the root of it and learn to manage it.
Improving Communication
You’ve probably heard it before, but communication is key to successful non-monogamous relationships! If you and your partner have already had any conflicts or difficulty with communication before opening up your relationship, adding swinging to the mix might shine an even brighter spotlight on those underlying issues. But the good news is that because navigating non-monogamy requires so much communication, it’s also an opportunity for you both to get really good at it! Working together with a couples therapist can help you to understand the conflicts and negative cycles that you can get stuck in, how to get unstuck, and how to strengthen your relationship so that you communicate better both at home and in the lifestyle.
Sex Therapy
You’ve been fantasizing about this for years, but now that you and your partner are actually going to swingers events together, you’re suddenly feeling anxious and the sex isn’t what you imagined it would be - what’s going on? No matter how confident you were sexually before opening up your relationship, new experiences and new environments can trigger unexpected responses. People of all genders can experience some form of performance anxiety or sexual dysfunction - from difficulty getting an erection (erectile dysfunction) or premature ejaculation to difficulty getting aroused or being unable to orgasm. There is often a psychological component to these issues, and working with a sex therapist can help you to understand what is going on and help you to be more present in the moment so you can enjoy the experience and allow your body to respond differently.
New Challenges
Maybe you’ve been in the lifestyle for years, and it’s brought a lot of joy to your relationship and your sex life - congrats! But even the most experienced among us can encounter new challenges that we might need some extra support with. Maybe after years of great experiences, you had a bad experience or a conflict came up at a swingers event. Maybe one or both of you is considering expanding your relationship structure into something more like polyamory. Maybe you’re developing stronger feelings for one member of a couple you’ve swapped with a few times, but your primary partner doesn’t feel the same way about the other member of that couple - so now what do you do? You don’t need a therapist to walk you through the basics of Lifestyle 101, but you do need a non-judgmental place to talk through the nuances of these complex questions and figure out what is best for you and your partner(s) so you can continue enjoying all the benefits of ethical non-monogamy.
Allison Marx is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist in Los Angeles, CA. She specializes in LGBTQIA+ affirmative, poly/ENM-friendly, and kink-knowledgeable therapy for couples/partnerships and individuals.
Interested in therapy? Reach out to schedule a free consultation call!
In-person therapy for residents of Los Angeles County, including Torrance, Palos Verdes, Rolling Hills, Lomita, Redondo Beach, Hermosa Beach, Manhattan Beach, El Segundo, Hawthorne, Lawndale, Gardena, and Long Beach. Online therapy via telehealth throughout the state of California.